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Ashland♥'s Journal
In my opinion, the existence of life is a highly overrated phenomenon...
Recent Entries 
5th-Jan-2010 02:23 pm - Movies To See This Year
The Wheat

2010 List
-Clash Of the Titans
-Iron Man 2
-The Wolfman
-Alice In Wonderland
-Robin Hood
-Shrek Forever After
-Toy Story 3

-Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
-Book of Eli
-The Lovely Bones
-Shutter Island

3rd-Nov-2009 12:29 pm(no subject)
No ambition - my life is so fucking boring.
13th-Aug-2009 04:30 pm - Fuck This Shit.

I hate everything and everybody right now. My life is pointless, meaningless, and a waste. Why am I still even here? Why do I even try?


2nd-Aug-2009 01:36 pm - The Theme
The Wheat

I've survived a total of five car accidents. I have saved my mother's life. I have witnessed cruelty and violence in my life no one I know has. I have lived through two refineries exploding, one of which was on my birthday and I could feel the heat from the flames. I have lived through my own self destructive nature. I have lived through abuse. I live with a chronic pain disease. I have watched my mother nearly die before my eyes twice.

I should be strong. I should be tough and rough, regarding so much I have been through. I have been hurt and told lies like anybody. I should be a nail and have a sense of respect for life and people more than others should. I have faced fear. My fucking god I have Viking blood in me!

Yet, I can't even gain the courage to face love and relationships.

I have more courage to fight for my life than to attract someone to become close to me.


26th-Jul-2009 03:02 pm - She's not the type of girl.

Well, I've kept these feelings inside for about a year now, and today, I feel like writing them out. It's really, really bugging me. So, I don't feel comfortable in my body. I hate my body, I find myself disgusting. I hate looking into mirrors because I hate seeing what I see. I don't like being me, never have and I dunno if I ever will. I am so sick of wondering who I am, why I am here, what purpose I have - if any - and what the future has in store. I don't think anyone would want me when I don't even want myself. I'm just a scarred, fat, ugly girl that thinks about the end too much and really wants to push over the edge. I just lay around, get drunk and cry myself to sleep. I don't like it, and I don't know what else to do. I can't get rid of these scars, I can't go back to the beginning. Everything is too late. All I want is for someone to take me away, someone to look after me. I want someone to help me change who I am, give me the courage and strength also. Lord knows I can't help myself - I need guidance. I want to be swept off my feet and be told directly to my face I am beautiful. That I am beautiful inside and out. I don't want to look into the mirror anymore and see some monster that is slowly killing herself. I am addicted to pain and numbness; my fucking god I want someone to love. I want to be dirty and act like an 18 year old. I want to be a mother someday, I want everything that seems impossible at the moment. Where am I leading myself? I am scared I might do anything to feel love, to get my fix, just one drop...I am scared of who I am becoming, where I am going, and what I am doing to my future.

23rd-Jun-2009 03:54 am - Not fair, at all...
To Peace by Kellyrottenx

I did not enjoy my doctor appointment. They took some blood, since last time I was abnormally low in something about my thyroid and they were concerned. I also found out (because of my disease) the sun depletes my vitamin D in my body, which is something I really need. I can't be in the sun, so basicly I'll be white forever. On top of that, I can get osteoporosis at a very young age, I can have heart attacks, seizures, and other problems. =( All thanks to having a disease with no cure, no idea how people get it, and studies have shown its a base disease for other illnesses (such as Lupus and other forms of Cancer). I just really needed to get this off my chest, since it's bothering me.
Now I am waiting for them to call and tell me if something is wrong. I'm so anxious and restless...


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