Well, I've kept these feelings inside for about a year now, and today, I feel like writing them out. It's really, really bugging me. So, I don't feel comfortable in my body. I hate my body, I find myself disgusting. I hate looking into mirrors because I hate seeing what I see. I don't like being me, never have and I dunno if I ever will. I am so sick of wondering who I am, why I am here, what purpose I have - if any - and what the future has in store. I don't think anyone would want me when I don't even want myself. I'm just a scarred, fat, ugly girl that thinks about the end too much and really wants to push over the edge. I just lay around, get drunk and cry myself to sleep. I don't like it, and I don't know what else to do. I can't get rid of these scars, I can't go back to the beginning. Everything is too late. All I want is for someone to take me away, someone to look after me. I want someone to help me change who I am, give me the courage and strength also. Lord knows I can't help myself - I need guidance. I want to be swept off my feet and be told directly to my face I am beautiful. That I am beautiful inside and out. I don't want to look into the mirror anymore and see some monster that is slowly killing herself. I am addicted to pain and numbness; my fucking god I want someone to love. I want to be dirty and act like an 18 year old. I want to be a mother someday, I want everything that seems impossible at the moment. Where am I leading myself? I am scared I might do anything to feel love, to get my fix, just one drop...I am scared of who I am becoming, where I am going, and what I am doing to my future.